…highest-paid personnel in engineering are frequently not those who know the most about engineering … But the person who has technical knowledge plus the ability to express ideas, to assume leadership, and to arouse enthusiasm among people-that person is headed for higher earning power.
Don’t criticize, condemn or complain.
Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment.
human nature in action, wrongdoers, blaming everybody but themselves.
“Judge not, that ye be not judged.”
“Don’t complain about the snow on your neighbor’s roof,” … “when your own doorstep is unclean.”
“I will speak ill of no man,” … and speak all the good I know of everybody.”
Give honest and sincere appreciation.
the sex urge and the desire to be great.
We often take our spouses so much for granted that we never let them know we appreciate them.
Arouse in the other person an eager want.
“If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.”
Yet many salespeople spend a lifetime in selling without seeing things from the customer’s angle.
Become genuinely interested in other people.
You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.
“We are interested in others when they are interested in us.”
Smile.
People who smile tend to manage teach and sell more effectively, and to raise happier children.
… people rarely succeed at anything unless they have fun doing it.
“I have also eliminated criticism from my system. I give appreciation and praise now instead of condemnation. I have stopped talking about what I want. I am now trying to see the other person’s viewpoint…
Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
Most people don’t remember names, for the simple reason that they don’t take the time and energy necessary to concentrate and repeat and fix names indelibly in their minds.
Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
All she wanted was an interested listener, so she could expand her ego and tell about where she had been.
He got this feeling of importance at first by kicking and complaining.
“They have been so much concerned with what they are going to say next that they do not keep their ears open….
Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.
Make the other person feel important—and do it sincerely.
“Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.”
“I’m sorry to trouble you,” “Would you be so kind as to —-? ” “Won’t you please?” ” Would you mind?” “Thank you”
Almost everyone considers himself important, very important.
The unvarnished truth is that almost all the people you meet feel themselves superior to you in some way, and a sure way to their hearts is to let them realize in some subtle way that you recognize their importance, and recognize it sincerely.
The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
Why not let him save his face?
A man convinced against his will Is of the same opinion still.
If you argue and rankle and contradict, you may achieve a victory sometimes; but it will be an empty victory because you will never get your opponent’s good will.
“Hatred is never ended by hatred but by love,”
Perhaps this disagreement is your opportunity to be corrected before you make a serious mistake.
Distrust your first instinctive impression. Our first natural reaction in a disagreeable situation is to be defensive.
Control your temper. Remember, you can measure the size of a person by what makes him or her angry.
Listen first.
Look for areas of agreement.
Be honest, Look for areas where you can admit error and say so. Apologize for your mistakes. It will help disarm your opponents and reduce defensiveness.
Promise to think over your opponents’ ideas and study them carefully. And mean it.
Thank your opponents sincerely for their interest.
Postpone action to give both sides time to think through the problem.
When one yells, the other should listen-because when two people yell, there is no communication, just noise and bad vibrations.”
Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, “You’re wrong.”
Never begin by announcing “I am going to prove so-and-so to you.”
If you are going to prove anything, don’t let anybody know it. Do it so subtly, so adroitly, that no one will feel that you are doing it.
Men must be taught as if you taught them not And things unknown proposed as things forgot.
You will never get into trouble by admitting that you may be wrong. That will stop all argument and inspire your opponent to be just as fair and open and broad-minded as you are. It will make him want to admit that he, too, may be wrong.
Few people are logical. Most of us are prejudiced and biased. Most of us are blighted with preconceived notions, with jealousy, suspicion, fear, envy and pride.
It is obviously not the ideas themselves that are dear to us, but our self-esteem which is threatened.
When we are wrong, we may admit it to ourselves. And if we are handled gently and tactfully, we may admit it to others and even take pride in our frankness and broad-mindedness. But not if someone else is trying to ram the unpalatable fact down our esophagus.
“I am convinced now that nothing good is accomplished and a lot of damage can be done if you tell a person straight out that he or she is wrong. You only succeed in stripping that person of self-dignity and making yourself an unwelcome part of any discussion.”
If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
There is a certain degree of satisfaction in having the courage to admit one’s errors. It not only clears the air of guilt and defensiveness, but often helps solve the problem created by the error.
Any fool can try to defend his or her mistakes – and most fools do— but it raises one above the herd and gives one a feeling of nobility and exultation to admit one’s mistakes.
When we are right, let’s try to win people gently and tactfully to our way of thinking, and when we are wrong – and that will be surprisingly often, if we are honest with ourselves – let’s admit our mistakes quickly and with enthusiasm.
Begin in a friendly way.
“A drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall.”
Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately.
Keep emphasizing, if possible, that you are both striving for the same end and that your only difference is one of method and not of purpose.
When you have said “No,” all your pride of personality demands that you remain consistent with yourself. You may later feel that the “No” was ill-advised; nevertheless, there is your precious pride to consider! Once having said a thing, you feel you must stick to it. Hence it is of the very greatest importance that a person be started in the affirmative direction.
When a person says “No” and really means it, he or she is doing far more than saying a word of two letters. The entire organism – glandular, nervous, muscular -gathers itself together into a condition of rejection.
Hence the more “Yeses” we can, at the very outset, induce, the more likely we are to succeed in capturing the attention for our ultimate proposal.
it is much more profitable and much more interesting to look at things from the other person’s viewpoint and try to get that person saying ‘yes, yes.'”
Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
They won’t pay attention to you while they still have a lot of ideas of their own crying for expression.
Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
“In every work of genius we recognize our own rejected thoughts; they come back to us with a certain alienated majesty.”
Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.
Try honestly to put yourself in his place.
… success in dealing with people depends on a sympathetic grasp of the other persons’ viewpoint.”
“I would rather walk the sidewalk in front of a person’s office for two hours before an interview,” said Dean Donham of the Harvard business school, “than step into that office without a perfectly clear idea of what I was going to say and what that person— from my knowledge of his or her interests and motives— was likely to answer.”
Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.
The only reason, for example, that you are not a rattlesnake is that your mother and father weren’t rattlesnakes.
Three-fourths of the people you will ever meet are hungering and thirsting for sympathy. Give it to them, and they will love you.
Appeal to the nobler motives.
If you are satisfied with the results you are now getting, why change?
Dramatize your ideas.
Merely stating a truth isn’t enough.
Throw down a challenge.
The way to get things done … is to stimulate competition.
“All men have fears, but the brave put down their fears and go forward, sometimes to death, but always to victory”
That is what every successful person loves: the game. The chance for self-expression.
Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
It is always easier to listen to unpleasant things after we have heard some praise of our good points.
Beginning with praise is like the dentist who begins his work with Novocain.
Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.
This could be easily overcome by changing the word “but” to “and.”
Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
It isn’t nearly so difficult to listen to a recital of your faults if the person criticizing begins by humbly admitting that he, too, is far from impeccable.
Admitting one’s own mistakes—even when one hasn’t corrected them—can help convince somebody to change his behavior.
Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
“You might consider this,” … “Do you think that would work?” … “What do you think of this?” … “Maybe if we were to phrase it this way it would be better.”
Asking questions not only makes an order more palatable; it often stimulates the creativity of the persons whom you ask. People are more likely to accept an order if they have had a part in the decision that caused the order to be issued.
Let the other person save face.
Even if we are right and the other person is definitely wrong, we only destroy ego by causing someone to lose face.
Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.”
while most of us are only too ready to apply to others the cold wind of criticism, we are somehow reluctant to give our fellow the warm sunshine of praise.”
Because he had singled out a specific accomplishment, rather than just making general flattering remarks, his praise became much more meaningful to the person to whom it was given … when praise is specific, it comes across as sincere—not something the other person may be saying just to make one feel good.
Abilities wither under criticism; they blossom under encouragement.
Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
In short, if you want to improve a person in a certain spect, act as though that particular trait were already one of his or her outstanding characteristics … “Assume a virtue, if you have it not.”
Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
Tell your child, your spouse, or your employee that he or she is stupid or dumb at a certain thing, has no gift for it, and is doing it all wrong, and you have destroyed almost every incentive to try to improve. But use the opposite technique—be liberal with your encouragement, make the thing seem easy to do, let the other person know that you have faith in his ability to do it, that he has an undeveloped flair for it—and he will practice until the dawn comes in the window in order to excel.
Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.
Always make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.
Be sincere. Do not promise anything that you cannot deliver. Forget about the benefits to yourself and concentrate on the benefits to the other person.
Know exactly what it is you want the other person to do.
Be empathetic. Ask yourself what is it the other person really wants.
Consider the benefits that person will receive from doing what you suggest.
Match those benefits to the other person’s wants.
When you make your request, put it in a form that will convey to the other person the idea that he personally will benefit.
The ability to speak is a shortcut to distinction.
he practiced his speeches as he milked the cows;
The way to develop self-confidence, he said, is to do the thing you fear to do and get a record of successful experiences behind you.